Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Gardening conversation between God and St. Francis

I took this from Al Lowe's CyberJoke humor website. NB: For those of you old enough to remember, Al Lowe was the creator of the original Leisure Suit Larry computer game, famous for the Naugahyde door to the brothel ("wonder how many Naugas they had to kill to make that door") and for its natural language interface, something modern games don't have.

No offense is meant to anyone - I just thought this was funny, so here goes:


God: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What's going on down there on Earth? What happened to my dandelions, violets, and milkweed? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Plants which grow in any soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. Nectar from their long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and songbirds. There should be vast gardens of colors, but all I see are green rectangles. St. Francis: It's the Suburbanite tribe, Lord. They call your flowers 'weeds' and go to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. God: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass? St. Francis: Apparently so. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin by fertilizing it and poisoning any other plants that appear. God: Spring rains and warm weather make grass grow fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it down -- sometimes twice a week. God: They cut it? So then they bale it? Like hay? St. Francis: Not exactly. They rake it into bags. God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? St. Francis: No, just the opposite; they pay to throw it away. God: Now, let me get this straight: they fertilize grass so it will grow, then, when it does grow, they cut it and pay to throw it away? St. Francis: Yes, Sir. God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when I cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That lack of growth must save them a lot of work. St. Francis: You won't believe this, but when the rain stops, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. My trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. St. Francis: Not really. When the leaves fall, the Suburbanites bag them, too, and pay even more to have them hauled away. God: No! Then how do they protect the roots through the winter and keep the soil moist? St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they buy mulch, haul it home, and spread it around in place of the leaves. God: And where do they get this mulch? St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. God: Enough! How's the Middle East going?

15 comments:

  1. I think it is funny and so true. A bit ironic too when you really think about it. Silly suburbanites (me)! :)

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  2. This is so funny! This year, I left the leaves around the trees and in the gardens. Maybe I am finally listening to God :-)

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  3. This really makes my day...
    For tomorrow, I have a blogpost about my flowermeadow in winter (and how glad I am to see the leaves of the cowslips and the buttercups and the sheep's bit and... ), and I am going to link to this post. It's great!

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  4. It's great! We do some things that Suburbanites do, but at least I use leaves for mulching and composting. Thanks a lot!

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  5. We make our choices. We'd rather whine about what hard work 'gardening' is. One day a little child will ask granny - What's a butterfly?

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  6. Barbara, I saw a version of this years ago and thought it was hilarious, but didn't have a copy. Thanks so much for making it available. -Jean

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  7. Great Wit!! LOL ... Thanks for the laugh Barbara!! ;>))

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  8. Thanks for the laugh. I'm totally anti-lawn... but it seems to work better to be pro-alternatives-to-the-lawn. Here's to changing the attitudes of the suburban tribe. ;)

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  9. This is so funny but how true. After LOL, it is time to listen to God. Hopefully, this will change for the better.

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  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  11. This was great! Fortunately, in draught prone California alternative lawns are catching on.

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  12. Very funny Barbara..
    We are back from our vacation. Posted a flower collage from the Ixora plant.
    Please take a look!
    Have you tried to install Picasa from Google??
    - Cheers Gisela.

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  13. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
    Lucy
    http://dataentryjob-s.com

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